Noah: Volume 2, Book: Crazy 

If you missed the first Noah volume: A Biblical Story: The Story of Noah

I like to think that I am a laid back person who is down to earth. Sure there are times when I can be sassy and fiery, but that’s all in good fun and I never think I am better than other people….well hardly! The same cannot be said about Noah–I never felt adequate for him.  We would go out to fancy restaurants where I could not understand what the menu said, and he would order drinks depending on the part of the meal we were on, be it a bottle of white wine for our appetizer, or a fancy brandy for dessert. If I had a dollar for every time I figured out what he was ordering, I may have been able to afford at least one meal we enjoyed.

The day I really understood the different levels we were on was when we were talking about what stores we would choose if we hypothetically could have an endless shopping spree. Without skipping a beat I yell, “Target!” He gives me a bewildered look and responds with, “Saks?” It took me a minute to even figure out what that meant. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun and I was a fan of getting spoiled with lots of meals out, happy hours, brunches, and anything else I wanted, but we weren’t exactly on the same page.

One day, there was a blizzard and my work got shut down.  Of course it was like the one day I was remotely on time. I decided that I would stay and work a bit since I was one of the only people there, until I got a text from Noah, who was buzzed, asking me to come over. I got there about 10AM and he told me to take a few shots in order to ‘catch up.’ When I asked him if his office was closed too, he told me that it was open but he had given himself a snow day.

After too many shots and mixed drinks, we decided that a good 4th date activity would be making  reservations for a music festival and week away in July.  Mind you it was currently March! The next day, after the $2,500 was spent, we questioned if that was a bad idea. Even if the answer was yes, we said no.  Perhaps that is because it was a non-refundable reservation. Then the day after that, we booked a weekend away in the mountains in June. Sober. Must not have been a terrible idea.

After a few more months of dating, and lots of late nights out at the bar, we were clearly drifting apart.  One night I saw him out on a date with someone else after he ditched plans with me. Instead of crying or saying anything, I silently drove home, upset, because I was worried this would mean that I would miss my vacation.

Ok–life tip–when you find out your boyfriend is cheating on you, if missing vacation is more upsetting than the thought of losing the guy who confessed his love to you the week before, you have a problem.  You also have two options. One, confront him about seeing him on a date, or two, pretend like you didn’t see it so you can make it a month and still go on vacation. Clearly I knew what the right choice was, so I picked the opposite. I made it home and fell asleep after a few melatonin and margaritas.

The next morning he calls and asks what time we are meeting for lunch and things go on as if nothing happened. We wind up going out to get me more margaritas (yes, I have a problem, but admitting it is the first step!) and then head to his house. After a couple more drinks, he falls asleep watching TV and that’s when I decide to hop on the fast track to Crazy Town. My favorite destination.

I click into his phone and find the girl from the night before, an easy task since they’d been texting all day about how much fun they had the night before. Intoxicated J decided to send a text, something along the lines of, “I hope you understand that we cannot see each other going forward.” Literally anything else would have been better. Unsure how to undo what I’ve just done, I delete the string of messages and block her number. Then pass out.

Later, after we woke up and continued drinking, I almost have a panic attack as I remember what I did.  Life went on until the next morning when this happens:

J: I feel like something is off here, is it just me?

Noah: Nope.

J:Well what is it? (Innocently, of course)

Noah: Did you go through my phone and send a message?

J: What! Of course not! How does that even happen, you have a code.

Noah: Ok, I am sorry I asked, I believe you

J: (full of shock and hurt) How could you think I would do that!

It is a few days until we see each other again, which is out of the ordinary at this point in our relationship. We make plans for dinner, and I know what’s going to happen. Despite the fact that I was technically on a cleanse and not drinking alcohol that week, my bff/coworker Heather and I go get a drink. Or three. When I get to Noah’s, we follow my three Heather drinks with some more, and then walk to dinner. Mid-dinner, after an hour of awkward conversation, I straight up ask him if we are still planning on going to the mountains the next weekend. His response is, “Probably not, right?” I tell him I don’t know what is happening and he agrees at first but then says, “I just feel like you went through my phone and sent a text,” and I nod and say, “Yeah, that’s fair. I feel like you went on a date with someone else.” After he says “Yeah” once more, we leave, because the day’s agenda suddenly included a cry fest and I refused to have it in public.

We end things politely and sadly, and a few days later Noah goes MIA.  I will not go into the details, but it was pretty serious, and my first thought was about his sweet sweet dog.

I burst into Heather’s office at work, crying because I was terrified, spilling the details about Noah’s disappearance while also painting a picture of an unfed, unwalked dog laying in his own pee because his owner is gone, and she shouts, “let’s go!” We drive straight downtown on a mission to break into Noah’s four story townhouse to rescue his dog.  That doesn’t sound crazy!

His door is locked.  This shouldn’t surprise me, as Noah is an adult who doesn’t want to be robbed–probably because his Saks socks are very expensive.  Plan B is to knock on his neighbor’s door and give him a sob story about how I left my key inside.  He doesn’t know Noah and I broke up days ago, so he lets us in and we climb the 50 some stairs to the roof.  In a short dress, wearing wedges but no panties, I very elegantly flop over the adjoining wall to Noah’s rooftop deck, and Heather follows in heels and nice work pants.  Luckily the roof door is unlocked.

Noah eventually showed up at almost 5 in the morning to find me, his ex-girlfriend, asleep on his couch, and hugs me because he is so happy I took care of his dog.

I look at him and say, “I broke into both your phone and your house this week, and somehow the house isn’t the creepiest of the two!”

Sometimes crazy is okay. I do not know if this is actually one of those times, but still.

With love, J!

One thought on “Noah: Volume 2, Book: Crazy 

  1. Pingback: The Final Chapter: Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll  | Date Like a Champion

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