There is grass stuck to my face when I wake up in the middle of the night to the room spinning. As I get up, in the guest room at my parents, I try and find my way to the bathroom, as I step in my dress, that is soaking wet with grass and sticks stuck to it. For an instant I think, “What the fuck happened?!” and then I remember.
It started with me going to meet my mom and dad so we could be carpool buddies and mom could be the DD. The first thing I do when I get to my parents is go outside and smoke a bowl. I use to be sneaky about it however at 29, in Colorado, I without shame tell my mom I am going outside to hit my pipe. She rolls her eyes and I think, “at least I am going outside! Adulting at its finest!”
The wedding is short and sweet which is great, leaves more time to run to the car and smoke some weed then meet my dad in line for the bar where he could get me a drink then we head out to the patio. As we sit with my parent’s friends, their friend Catherine and I go drink for drink and decide we should be each other’s dates since I did not have one and hers, her brother, was not yet there.
The night is full of laughter, a photo booth, and even standing at the top of the stairs with another one of my parent’s friends, Deborah, trying to fling cards down into the card box. Later on, my mom, Deborah, Catherine and I sneak outside for a break. That’s when we met Adam. A cute bartender who was apparently working the wedding there. We talked him into smoking some weed with us (well Deborah and myself) and taking fireball shots with Catherine and I. After that he promised us free drinks so Catherine and I went to the bar, where I gave Adam my phone number and then when we returned to the rest of out group with our drinks, we were happily greeted by one more drink each awaiting us at the table as well.
Later on we were at the photo booth when I invited Adam to join us how romantic, our first photo together. The tales we can tell our kids, right? I must have been hammered.
To follow this, before the grass got pressed in my hair, I find myself dancing, dancing and, well, dancing. This was when Catherine and I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air, and ran into Adam again. As he was talking to Catherine and I, I look at him and mouth (As Catherine is talking) “Let’s go fuck.”
Before I know it we are walking along the golf course, and find ourselves on the driving range, making out. Before I know it, we are rolling around in the grass, that must have been recently watered, as I am soaking wet, in more ways than one. These shenanigans last for at least an hour and then I finally hear my phone ringing and say, “I know this is awkward, but my mom is calling me, so we need to finish!”
After we are done, as he is getting dressed I text my mom and tell her I was laying in the grass outside, which will explain the soaking wet dress, as well as the matted down sex hair full or twigs and grass. I don’t even kiss this guy goodbye before I am running around to the front of the building and run into my mom. She laughs at me and asked where I was, that she was looking for me. I say I lost trach of time and was laying in the grass, you know, pass it off on the drinking and weed.
On the way home I get my mom to stop at McDonalds. Despite the fact that I do not eat fast food, or drink soda, there is nothing like French fries, sausage egg McMuffin and a coke. By the time we make it back to their house the food is gone, and I am ready for bed. As I change into my jammies I have grass stuck all over my body and wipe it all over the floor of the guest bedroom.
When I woke up sore the next day, I thought about why I do not date anyone under 30, which seems like something I should reconsider as the stamina from a man in there mid 20’s is far more superior then someone even a decade older than them. What a life choice I am left with, again, this is Adulting at its finest.
With Love, J!