Rule #4, Be Smarter than J

Can we go back to the story B wrote about Jerry: The Maiden Voyage. In that we heard about Truthful Ted and his 3 rules of dating, rules that are good for the online world and these are good rules that B and I live by, however, I apparently think that rules need to be broken.

So here I am, about a week into talking to a guy who we will call Joel. We texted like crazy, flirted and talked on the phone. On Friday night he asked me if I wanted to come over and hangout after his son went to bed and I thought that sounded OK because he wasn’t going to murder me with his son asleep…unless he was lying about his son…in which case I was fucked. When he texted me to tell me that his son was not coming over until the morning I asked if he wanted to go out instead, but he had already cracked a beer and did not want to drive his new car–that made sense. However, according to Truthful Ted, a private date is still not allowed. Ted says this is because you are setting precedence, saying that being in private means you are looking for a booty call and not a public relationship, which is, despite all my stories, not true for me.  I want a relationship, however clearly I am also open to being murdered.

So I go to his house, obviously. When I get there he seems very sweet, not like a psychopath or murderer, and he’s cute. Shortly after I arrive, we are sipping on the ever disgusting Bud Light Lime and taking shots of Fireball, because apparently I really do have a death wish. This was all acceptable because he told me I could stay the night, and because we agreed there would be no sex, since we both wanted relationships.

It did not take long before he kissed me, or I kissed him–who knows. It just made sense. There was passion, there was a connection and there was no pressure. Starting the night that way set the tone for a wonderful evening. We laughed, we made plans for the future, and he even told me that he did not want to talk to anyone else and asked if I would shut down my dating app. All of this felt right. After a lot of conversation and laughter, we ran out of Fireball. This should have been a gift from God, however we went down the street to get some more. When we got back, as we were giggling and walking towards his condo, he stopped in his tracks and asked me to come back over to him. I followed him as he went around the corner and hid, although I was apprehensive. He asked me to trust him, and I wondered, “Is this how murders happen?”

As we hid I asked him what was going on and he explained to me that his ex-girlfriend’s car was in front of his condo and he was unsure why, as we had both left our phones in the condo (because step 3 in “how to get murdered on a first date” is to leave your phone inside and go out into the dark with the man you’ve just met. I’m winning).

After a little while her Prius drove by and we went back upstairs. There was not a lot to do at this point because I was too drunk to drive anywhere, so my only option was to stay. After we ate pizza, made out and took shots, we cuddled on the couch. We went to bed, where we decided that we could sleep in the same bed without sleeping together. I am proud to say that I followed Ted’s rule to kiss on a first date if your interested, but despite sleeping next to this attractive man, it did not go farther! 

As Joel is laying on me, with his leg crossed over me, dead asleep, I get up and run to the bathroom to puke, and then go back and fall asleep.

The morning is full of laughter and cuddling, and him serving me breakfast in bed (well, breakfast is pain killers and water!).  As he walks me to the car he kisses me and tells me to text him.

I drive home with an insane headache and he is texting me, very flirty. The last text we exchange is me asking how the pumpkin patch is going, as he went with his son, and he responds with, “Packed.” That was the last time I hear from him, and perhaps it is because I broke Ted’s third rule and did not make plans for a 2nd date before leaving the first?  Or maybe it is because I did not have an excited response about the overcrowded pumpkin patch?

Despite the talk of the future, be it of going to sporting events or on dates, I guess it is not what he wanted. I was left confused after this because he clearly did not say any of these lines to get in my pants, so what could it be?

This brings me to the continued annoyance of what we call Ghosting and it is so annoying that this is a socially (un) acceptable act that people partake in. Leaving others to wonder What did I do? What did I say?, frantically playing these interactions over and over.

I think I should change my dating profile to the following, “Attention: Please do not send me messages if you have ever ghosted someone and please do not message me if you are interested in playing any games. Let’s just be adults here!” Then list everything I want. Dating sucks!  I mean I cannot even get murdered on a first date (where I follow every rule for how to get whacked by an internet weirdo), how am I supposed to find a boyfriend?

With Love, J!

PS-I think that Ted needs one more rule, Rule #4, which would be “be smarter than J.”  Seriously though, do not go to someone’s house on a first date, especially if you met them on the internet. I did it, but it’s not smart.

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