The Jack Attack Fan Club

As most things in my life I knew this was a bad idea, however instead of making the right decision and moving on, I made the conscious decision to continue.

Let’s rewind a bit. Recently I decided to stop dating, which shocked a lot of people but I did not give up on having sex and shenanigans–I am not crazy!

It had been a couple weeks since I had sex which was beginning to cause me to lose my mind. One week night, I found myself starting a million different conversations online, or with people from my roster.

The Roster: Similar to that of a sporting roster–in which there is a list of names of people on the sports team. In this case it is the list of names of people who I call on when I need to get laid.

On this particular night there was no one I could call on from the bench to assist with my needs, so I turned back to the conversations on various dating sites.  Because I am classy, I looked at this as a way to help out everyone in my world — if I was not going to get laid soon then people would think Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada was a saint compared to how I’d be.

I had a few conversations going, one from Jackson and one from a guy named Matthew. Moments after Matthew texted me his number, as texting is easier than these stupid apps, Action Jackson sent me a message explaining how he was looking for a hook up. Due to my dry spell, it was music to my ears.

He then proceeded to tell me that he was out of town and unable to help me with my needs at that moment, but asked me if I would be interested in a threesome at some point.

Surprisingly this is not something I have ever done, however it is something I have thought about, and doing it with people I have no romantic connection too seems better. Then I asked him if he had someone else in mind and he told me he had a buddy. Clearly my next question, because I am tactful was, “Would you penetrate each other?” and I was relieved when he responded and said no. Next he tells me, “You should find my buddy, he is on here,” and then gave me his screen name.

His buddy was Matthew, who had just sent me his name and number. Are. You. Kidding. Me. I thought.

So my opening text to his friend is, “Want to have a threesome with your friend Jack and I?” because this seemed too odd that they were both on here. However, he was confused by this line.

After some conversation it made more sense to him and he said he would be open to it. Eventually we decide we should hangout, because that is the likely decision to make, while sober, at 1 in the morning.

Because this seemed like a crazy decision and it was too late to un-send the messages, I decided I could not be sober so I smoked a huge bowl, which always makes things better.

As he texted me the whole way to my place, my heart beat faster, which the weed did not help with!  

After he arrived, we chatted, which seemed to be boring AF to me but necessary for a few minutes. It felt like a business arrangement, but that was only until we went to the bedroom. Next thing I know, after getting tangled up in the sheets, as we lay there breathing heavily, all he can talk about is Jack Attack. Now there is a part of me who understood where this is coming from as it was our common bond, however conversation was not what I wanted.

Soon he left which I appreciated as I told him earlier he could only come over if he left after as I was not in the mood to cuddle.

The next time he texted me I told him I was on my period and I have yet to hear anything since. It’s hard to tell if the Fan Club has died or not, but we all know if there is ever more, you will be the first to hear about it!

With Love, J!






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