The Cock-Block Retaliation

I did not go to college like all of my friends, I did not have nights in the dorms, or fraternity parties and keg stands. Not on any college campuses anyway! Despite missing out on all of those moments I had plenty other ones that they did not, I have worked at lodges, dude ranches and ski resorts. There are many stories that I will share with you, even if I were to get happily married today (which I am single, so unlikely!) there would be stories to last for years!

Today I will share the beginning of Joseph, a boy I met my first week working at a ski resort in the Rocky Mountains and who I ended up dating for almost 5 years. Due to the length of our relationship this will result in a few stories, full of his crazy family, broken bones at Blues concerts and random sex locations! All things fun, sex, drugs and rock-n-roll!

I had already spent a winter deep in the Rockies as a legit ski bum and as the snow flew a year later I found myself in another mountain town, closer to the City and my family, but far enough to still have my own life.

During the first week, at orientation we went to a lift on the mountain to learn how to run the lift on the auxiliary motor, something I never thought I would need to know how to do! That is when I met Joseph. He was tall, and big, like a real man, and I had an instant crush on him.

A few months went by, and there were other men, which we will hear about another day, and I only saw Joseph at work. I worked on a lift that luckily broke down a lot and even though the lift operators could reset it themselves, we were not allowed to. Joseph would come to the lift when it would break down and listen to me jamming to the Dead and sit there and chat we me a little here and there before taking off on his snow mobile, until the next break down would occur.

On a drunken day off in the locker room there was a flyer with a blonde haired guy, naturally with a mullet. The flyer was for a party on a street called “Shooting Star Way” which seemed to be made up, though it did not stop my friend and I from calling the number and getting more information on the party. We found out it was a party, conveniently being hosted by Joseph and his friends (his friend was the one with the mullet, I know, disappointing!).

The day of the party I made a decision, a sober, conscious decision. I wanted to hook up with Joseph. I did not think about the future and what it might bring, I thought about that night and hooking up with someone who I thought was a babe! I had no idea that we would be together for the next 5 years.

That night, I drank whiskey as if it was my job, out of a mason jar on ice, with nothing mixed in. I drank a few of those, and when someone knocked the last of it out of my glass, I almost cried. Because that is what adults do.

Before I knew it, I told Joseph I needed to sleep on his couch. Please. He knew it was a lie too. After a few more drinks, flirting, and laughter the couch I asked to stay on ended up being his bed, and it ended up being all night.

The next few days were full of the awkward, “Does he like me?” “Should I call” because texting and Facebook stalking were not options, despite us being millennials, he did not was a cell or was linked into any social media.

About a week later, he made me dinner, this is where I knew the romance existed, he made me a grilled cheese hamburger. For those of you unaware of this masterpiece, you make two grilled cheese’s (white bread and Kraft, of course) and then make a juicy hamburger and use the two grilled cheeses as buns. This is also why Americans are fat. I think I fell in love at that moment.

The next day things started to get weird, he showed up to a BBQ at the bottom the lift I was working at and handed me my pajama pants that I left at his house. I figured he did not want to hang out again however he also discussed our plans for later that evening, which was a party in a nearby town. Despite our plans, later in the day Joseph told me that he was no longer able to give me a ride to the party as he had a friend he had not seen in a while and she, yes, she, needed a ride. I had just been cock blocked by a she-man. I say she-man because she looked like a man but people did say she was a girl. Now I know me saying this sounds like I am being a bit of brat and you may think this girl was actually pretty and I am petty. False. She had the bone structure of a man, and I think even an Adam’s Apple. She also had this red-ish curly hair that was the definition of frizzy.

Full of anger, and pajamas in my backpack my friends and I went to the party. As I mentioned, the day had got weird and it was only getting stranger. First my friend Ashley and poured Evan Williams (crappy whiskey) into a Crown bottle and then watched everyone say things like, “This is delicious!” or “This is going down so smooth!” Then, too many games of flip cup and beer pong, Ashley and I found ourselves walking thru town, where we then walked past the frizzy she-mans jeep. The only logical thing to do, as a lady and as an adult was to climb up on top of that jeep and popped a squat on the hood. And at the risk of being judged too much I will not explain if it was a 1-2 combo or what, use your imagination if you must.

I wish that this was not a part of the night that I remembered however, somehow, almost a decade later, I am still slightly haunted by how disgusting people are (me) and also impressed that doing that even entered our minds.

The good news for all of you out there: Do. Not. Cock-block me. EVER.

With Love, J!

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