The Bounty Hunter

capture

As I thought about what to write for today’s blog I realized that last weeks kinda sucked. I do not think that it was my best work and have decided that I am not going to share more Joseph stories right now. Down the road there will be more appropriate times to hear of him getting in fist fights at Red Rocks and about his mom giving me so many weed brownies that I could not remember my own name, but that is all for another day.

The truth is, I think finding someone worth dating is the stupidest and most exhausting thing in the whole world. When I found Joseph, it was easy and it worked, but since we broke up two years ago, I moved back to Denver and now finding a needle in a hay stack seems like a much easier task then finding someone to sit thru a dinner, or even a happy hour, with.

Now, I know as I write this I sound jaded, and sure, I am, however I have learned to keep that to myself.  The last guy I told that to ghosted me after a romp between the sheets. However, as I write this, I am for once not jaded.  I have managed to find someone with the same fucked up humor as me and things have been going great, but that’s not what this story is about today!

Today I will share a tale with you — a tale that still makes me cringe talking about it (but that’s the point of this blog, to share the silly with you all!). Here goes: Recently with all of my online dating nonsense, I received a simple message on the nightmare that is POF and it said, “Happy hour?”

Well damn, it wasn’t the strongest opener but it beat all the lame ones, and if anyone knows me, they now I cannot turn down happy hour. Ever. I think this is how I will start my opening statement when I finally join AA. Since that has not happened yet, though, he and I picked a day for happy hour.  It wound up being after a long day of work and a stupid court case I had to go to, with my douche ex.  Clearly I needed a drink! So we make plans to meet at a mainstream chain restaurant conveniently located on the way to the tanning place I go to on my way home.

As I am sitting at the bar, drinking my Titos with two limes and soda like its my job, the middle aged couple next to me are fighting. Like legit fighting. The nosy neighbor in me is almost staring at them watching. Apparently the wife DID NOT like when her husband took her sausage off her plate.  I respect that because bitches love sausage. I know I do. Then she looks at him with the fury of Satan in her eyes and says, “I have no idea where your hands have been, keep them off my plate!” to which he very kindly responds, “You are fucking nuts!”

This is amazing.  So amazing I almost forget I am still sitting at the bar. Alone. Drinking. That will be the second part to my opening speech I will one day use at AA.

Finally my date arrives.  I wish this is where I could comment on his dapper style but he had gym pants on, a hoodie, tennis shoes and white tube shots. There was no lady boner happening on my end. As I entertain him and our waiter with the drama from next door (at this point Mr. and Mrs. Dirty Hands had left), Jay begins to share with me that he owns a Bail Bond company–which explains why the Hulk looks like his younger, small brother. He tells me that if he gets a work call, he will not leave our date for anything less than $8K. Apparently there is a price on being in my company, and sadly I would’ve thought it was higher than that. Lucky me, as he tries to smooth things over, he tells me that I could join him if he has to bail someone out of jail. “Ummm…no thanks I say!” He tells me, “No, it will be fun! You can be my Beth!”

Pause.

I am sorry, did this first date is sweatpants just turn into a spinoff of Dog the Bounty Hunter?? And there is not even a mullet in this version?!

He doesn’t get any calls, which in retrospect was probably for the best, as I was not about to go spend this date in jail–there are too many opportunities for that story to lead somewhere even stranger!

So we sit there, and there is laughter, but I think his double shot’s of Jame-o on the rocks with a side of Budweiser are what’s helping the situation.

He then share some fascinating things with me. 1) he has two little girls (one happens to be a straight up ginger. Enough said.) 2) he could have got full custody but does not want them all the time cause he likes to go out and drink and also ride his Harley. He also mentions how he is so jazzed I am now ‘his girl’. Bitch please, this is our first date. Then, as he smiles, I see he is missing a front tooth.

God help me.

Next he spends a considerable amount of time trying to get me to go to a bar across town with him where they normally have Latin Hip Hop Night. For those of you who do not know, I am white–like, everything about me is very white. I grew up in the Denver suburbs where everyone is white and if you get a tan you are the minority. I also listen to Classic Rock and Country. I am not even sure what hip hop is! So, I respectfully decline, which leads me into a trap–he says, “Ok, if you are not going to go, we will just stay here and drink more!”

Nope.

When the server comes back I say, “OK! Let’s get the tab and go!”  Now, I do not always condone trickery, however when someone is not getting the hint then I think it is allowed.

As he walks me to my car, he ignores the side hug I try to give and grabs my head to barrel his tongue down my throat. I pull away to break the news that I have to go home, but we will see each other soon. He pouts. This grown ass man, in his jumpsuit and all, pouting.

I finally escape and am driving when something almost causes me to puke in my new car. This happens about .3 seconds after I pull out of the restaurant parking lot, which is when the texts start — he is very mushy and makes it sound as if we will run away together. The comment he makes about creating babies with me did not help the situation.

The texts slow down as the night goes on.  It is amazing how that happens when you stop responding because you ‘fall asleep’.

The next morning I wake up to a text from him that says, “Good morning! How is my beautiful, sexy wonderful girl!?” then after 40 minutes of not responding, cause I fell back asleep (I know, lame of me) I get another one, “Hey baby, you still sleeping?! How did my girl sleep!”

Puke.

I am on the phone with my sister, telling her all of this and she is laughing, telling me how thankful she is for the 11+ years of being happily marriage and that she is less than envious of me. I tell her of Jay’s dream to become bounty hunters and for me to pop out many red headed (I am assuming, here) kids, and also that when someone does not give off the same vibes as you, you do not wake them up with stupid texts in which you claim them as your own.

Later in the day I get a text saying, “Hey there babe! You have been quiet, how are you!?” and after 3, yes that’s right THREE minutes, another one that says, “Hey! Are you there! Did I scare you off?!”

How do you respond to that? Glad you asked. It is something like this, “I am not sure that scared is the right word however this is just a lot from one date.” He said he thought we both wanted a relationship, to which I respond, “Yeah I want a relationship but I am not going to force it. If it happens is happens but I think we are on different pages.”

Cue the string of angry texts. And also advice, that is not how you talk a girl into giving this a try! We did not go out again, in fact I blocked his number and now I live day by day by the books, cause if I don’t I am worried I will get arrested doing something stupid (likely) and have to call him to bail me out.

However if you want to be a pal and be my first call instead of Jay, you just let me know!

With love, J!

Thanksgiving: Dating Style

It’s Thanksgiving.  I’m alone.  Before you get all “awww nobody should be alone on Thanksgiiiiving, that’s so saaaad,” just shut it.  I honestly don’t care.  This is part of living far away from your family.  Anyway, it’s just a day — a fantastic one since I get the day off work!  And tomorrow I’ll go have Friendsgiving with my pals.

But since I haven’t eaten mass quantities of turkey, and thus am not in a bird-meat-coma, I will take the opportunity to do an “I’m Thankful For…” rundown of some of my dating history.  Because why not!

Milton — Oh Milton, you were the perfect first boyfriend.  Thank you for being shy and nerdy and for liking me even though I burst out laughing the first time you tried to kiss me (annnnd even though I jumped out of your car the first time we hung out because I was too shy to hug you).  You win the award for bringing out absolutely the most awkward version of me — not only back then, but also a few years ago when I flew to DC to be your +1 to that wedding, and it turned out the hotel ONLY had one-bed hotel rooms.  Remember when I built the pillow boundary down the middle of the bed so you’d stay on your own side during the night?  Yeah, I remember that too.  Also, thank you for dumping me because of my religion — that STILL makes for a great story.

Astro Boy —  You were my crush from the very first day of Astronomy 101 until the very last day of Astronomy 101.  You sat behind be in lecture three times a week, and three mornings a week my roomie would give me a pep talk in our dorm about how “today is the day you’ll be courageous enough to say hi to him!”  I never said hi to you.  I did say thank you once when you held the door for me after class…  Anyhow, thank you for making future-me a little less of a wuss.  After you, I vowed that no matter how scared I was to approach someone I liked, I would.  Because never knowing if someone would like you back is worse than knowing they don’t.

JJ — Humph.  Well, JJ, you’re one of the ones who gets talked about the least.  You know it isn’t because you weren’t significant.  It’s because of the many questions people ask (back then and still now) when I say, “I had a relationship with someone fifteen years older than me.”  Thank you for being the reason J and I are on a family phone plan.  Thank you for being the reason I looked into jobs in New England.  Thank you for being the reason I can say, “Yep, I’ve dated a dungeon master.” (For any of you who think that means I’m into some freaky shit, just go Google the term.)  And most importantly, thank you for being kind enough to let me go.

Fucking Alex — Even though this blurb is about what I’m thankful for, you’re not getting out of being called by the name given to you by my friends.  It’s too good a name — I tell people it’s your full Christian name.  Making friends in a new city wasn’t easy for me, so I am thankful to have had your friendship during my early days as a Bostonian.  While I am comfortable saying that I was the more wronged party throughout our entanglement, I certainly said and did things that I am not proud of, and thus am thankful for your ability to forgive.  Thank you for teaching me big, hard lessons about what I am not looking for in a partner, and that even when I feel completely broken, I can be strong.  (Also, thanks in advance for giving me enough drama to fill at LEAST 5 blog posts eventually.)

Chet — Meeting you, and liking you, gave me the perspective I needed to see my relationship with Fucking Alex for what it was (read: Fucked with a capital F), and that perspective allowed me to finally stop texting him back whenever it struck his fancy to talk to me.  Thank you for being genuine.  Thank you for coming along just when I was ready for someone new — a mere (ha!) 8 months and some odd days after Fucking Alex broke my fucking heart.  Thank you for being the closest I’ll ever come to sleeping with my high school celebrity crush (RIP Paul Walker…you beautiful….beautiful bad actor, you).  Oh, and after we quit dating, thanks for all those nights you’d drunk (I assume) text me to ask if I would pee on you.  That was unique.  You get points for originality.  But dammit Chet, why didn’t you ask sooner!  Did you not know I’d try anything once?

Hudson — Thank you for teaching me that my “I’ll try anything once” theory was a lie.  Your extreme kinks taught me that!!  Because of you, I had a question worthy of calling in to my favorite podcast host — Dan Savage — and he answered my question.  You did that for me!!  Thank you for reminding me that first dates can be lovely and that I don’t need to settle for people I feel “just alright” about.  Thank you for being much different from most men I’ve dated — you taught me about things I need, and things I don’t. (p.s. I’m going to try very hard to not ever post a screenshot of that time you texted me saying you wanted me to smash a cake in your face and then make you fuck it. You’re welcome.)

 

Der Ner Ner Ner Ner Ner Ner Ner – Batman!

Truth: I could never bring this guy home for Thanksgiving with a clean conscience.

He had the mask on in every photo.  I was laying in bed at night and it was dark and swiping to this was horrifying.  That is a sweet guitar though…

Love at First Summersault? 

It is hard to believe that once you poop on someone’s car that you will have a future with their friend, however silence is golden and not sharing these things only helps a relationship! It wasn’t long after that episode that my grandpa got sick and as I was crying in a lift shack, Joseph pulled up on his snow mobile and came in, as I cried he only held me. It was a rocky start to our relationship.

A few days later my grandpa passed and I left to go to the funeral. When I returned, a day late, I was confronted by my ass of a boss who had written me up for missing work, because there was a blizzard and the highway was closed. Ahh, corporate America exists even in ski towns! I decided to take my pent up anger and sadness and then it into a 30 rack of PBR and bring it to the maintenance shop to share with Joseph and his coworkers. After I slammed too many beers in order to get over my annoyance of my boss Joseph and I went to eat Chinses food and then to his friends where we smoked a gigantic blunt at his friends house.

Shortly after the blunt I stood up and walked to the bathroom, I hardly made it in before I started to vomit all over the bathroom and to make matters worse, it was a carpeted bathroom. There was only so much I could try and clean up however it did not help that the world was spinning.
After this beautiful start it is hard to believe things lasted past that date however before I knew it we were living together. It had been a few months and things were going very well. All of the sudden my life was full of dinners with his family and planning our meals for the week.

The first 4th of July we had together was about 4 months after we started dating and we were at our house shooting off fireworks with our friends and Joseph’s family. After a few fireworks went off a very confrontational neighbor came down the street and started talking smack about how we were going to burn down the forest. Now this was some guy who maybe went to the mountains about once a year and thought he knew everything about everything, little did we know, he knew lots about nothing, except how to call the police.
After we shoot the last of the bottle rockets off our friends and Joseph’s family leave, we go inside and get a warning call from his dad saying there was a police car parked a couple houses down which led to Joseph squatting on the deckpeering thru the railing for the police. Next thing I know he did a summersault and ran off into the woods.
The cops are now outside my house, shining spotlights into the house as I hide in the kitchen with my roommate Martin, who is sporting his boxers and we are trying out what’s going on and where Joseph was. To top it off I then get a call from Joseph’s dad amking sure everything is good I let him know that Joseph dashed into the forest and I hadn’t seen him since-my silver lining to this was that his dad had a heads up now for when I would have to call to have him bail his son out of jail!

Moments later, as I am still talking to his dad and Joeseph walks in the door whistling and says, “Hey-ya baby cakes!”
He had double backed through the woods and ran into the cranky neighbor again who did not recognize him, after some banter back and forth the neighbor started putting two and two together as the cops walked up. Joseph made up a story about how he just moved in with his parents and he wasn’t sure who would be so inconsiderate as to light fireworks in the dry Colorado mountains and went on his way back to our house.
Looking back, between the pooping, and the puking and the disappearing acts into the woods it was the the strangest start to a relationship however it was also the most successful relationship I had! Now, I should update my dating profile to something like, “Looking for firework shooting, summersault doing individual who is ok with me not being able to control my bodily functions.”

Shocking it did not last forever. Shocking that I am still single.