It’s Thanksgiving. I’m alone. Before you get all “awww nobody should be alone on Thanksgiiiiving, that’s so saaaad,” just shut it. I honestly don’t care. This is part of living far away from your family. Anyway, it’s just a day — a fantastic one since I get the day off work! And tomorrow I’ll go have Friendsgiving with my pals.
But since I haven’t eaten mass quantities of turkey, and thus am not in a bird-meat-coma, I will take the opportunity to do an “I’m Thankful For…” rundown of some of my dating history. Because why not!
Milton — Oh Milton, you were the perfect first boyfriend. Thank you for being shy and nerdy and for liking me even though I burst out laughing the first time you tried to kiss me (annnnd even though I jumped out of your car the first time we hung out because I was too shy to hug you). You win the award for bringing out absolutely the most awkward version of me — not only back then, but also a few years ago when I flew to DC to be your +1 to that wedding, and it turned out the hotel ONLY had one-bed hotel rooms. Remember when I built the pillow boundary down the middle of the bed so you’d stay on your own side during the night? Yeah, I remember that too. Also, thank you for dumping me because of my religion — that STILL makes for a great story.
Astro Boy — You were my crush from the very first day of Astronomy 101 until the very last day of Astronomy 101. You sat behind be in lecture three times a week, and three mornings a week my roomie would give me a pep talk in our dorm about how “today is the day you’ll be courageous enough to say hi to him!” I never said hi to you. I did say thank you once when you held the door for me after class… Anyhow, thank you for making future-me a little less of a wuss. After you, I vowed that no matter how scared I was to approach someone I liked, I would. Because never knowing if someone would like you back is worse than knowing they don’t.
JJ — Humph. Well, JJ, you’re one of the ones who gets talked about the least. You know it isn’t because you weren’t significant. It’s because of the many questions people ask (back then and still now) when I say, “I had a relationship with someone fifteen years older than me.” Thank you for being the reason J and I are on a family phone plan. Thank you for being the reason I looked into jobs in New England. Thank you for being the reason I can say, “Yep, I’ve dated a dungeon master.” (For any of you who think that means I’m into some freaky shit, just go Google the term.) And most importantly, thank you for being kind enough to let me go.
Fucking Alex — Even though this blurb is about what I’m thankful for, you’re not getting out of being called by the name given to you by my friends. It’s too good a name — I tell people it’s your full Christian name. Making friends in a new city wasn’t easy for me, so I am thankful to have had your friendship during my early days as a Bostonian. While I am comfortable saying that I was the more wronged party throughout our entanglement, I certainly said and did things that I am not proud of, and thus am thankful for your ability to forgive. Thank you for teaching me big, hard lessons about what I am not looking for in a partner, and that even when I feel completely broken, I can be strong. (Also, thanks in advance for giving me enough drama to fill at LEAST 5 blog posts eventually.)
Chet — Meeting you, and liking you, gave me the perspective I needed to see my relationship with Fucking Alex for what it was (read: Fucked with a capital F), and that perspective allowed me to finally stop texting him back whenever it struck his fancy to talk to me. Thank you for being genuine. Thank you for coming along just when I was ready for someone new — a mere (ha!) 8 months and some odd days after Fucking Alex broke my fucking heart. Thank you for being the closest I’ll ever come to sleeping with my high school celebrity crush (RIP Paul Walker…you beautiful….beautiful bad actor, you). Oh, and after we quit dating, thanks for all those nights you’d drunk (I assume) text me to ask if I would pee on you. That was unique. You get points for originality. But dammit Chet, why didn’t you ask sooner! Did you not know I’d try anything once?
Hudson — Thank you for teaching me that my “I’ll try anything once” theory was a lie. Your extreme kinks taught me that!! Because of you, I had a question worthy of calling in to my favorite podcast host — Dan Savage — and he answered my question. You did that for me!! Thank you for reminding me that first dates can be lovely and that I don’t need to settle for people I feel “just alright” about. Thank you for being much different from most men I’ve dated — you taught me about things I need, and things I don’t. (p.s. I’m going to try very hard to not ever post a screenshot of that time you texted me saying you wanted me to smash a cake in your face and then make you fuck it. You’re welcome.)