The Short Lived Adventures of Mr. Bitter

First things first, Happy 2017 bitches! I for one always feel successful when I make it through even a day, but a whole year? Yes, I think I am winning for sure! Second, B and I have been a bit of slackers lately, I blame her slacking on the fact that her and Jerry are doing well, lots of sex and whatever they are doing and I wish I could say the same about me, but I will fess up and blame mine on drinking, sex and sometimes recreational drugs.

 

I texted B the other day and asked her to make one New Year’s Resolution with me-she immediately responded with, “I hate those and never succeed.” My thought…everyone hates them and no one ever wins. Like I start each year saying I will be better at birthdays this year, my nieces who were born in February and March get presents every year, by the time the ones in the summer come, they are usually late presents and my poor nieces in August, all 3 of them, usually get a phone call when I remember to call, which is sometime after they are probably in bed.

 

So this time I did not ask B to help me with that or to promise to be work our buddies or anything, I asked her if we could stop sucking at the blog and be better, so our promise to you is this: We will try, we will probably fuck it up, but we will try. I mean look at me, Sassy J Sunday was yesterday and I am posting this today, but it was a Holiday and after too many drinks, Xanax and I think a couple other items, I was asleep all day yesterday with the interruptions with breakfast with my best friend Ann then dinner at my parents. So, to you, our readers, we will try and do better but will eventually fuck it up, but we will never leave you!

 

Enough nonsense, lets back this train up a minute. I was recently added to a Facebook group that was undoubtedly made for people like me, people who are single-ish, fun as shit and have a terrible but awesome humor. I have met some amazing friends in it and even got some ass from it, gosh, I am such a lady! Now, I even have my group of awesome friends who we have named “Team Ram-Rod” because the stoners in us love Super Troopers-this group is made up of Robbie, who we have heard of many times in past stories, Ann, who is without question my Soul mate, and my future husband needs to know that he will never be my soul mate, and then Dale, a guy I met in the group, went on 1.5 dates with and decided we are way better friends. These are my people, and will come into play later on here.

 

 

So let get going, after I have met a few different people, dealt with drama, lent money and n expensive phone charger to a guy who then ghosted me (yes I am a moron) I met Mr. Bitter, which the name was suggested by Ann!

 

Mr. B came over to my house one night to watch a movie, prior to me sending my address Ann gave me a thumbs up as they were friends from high school so I had some confirmation that he was an OK guy. Before I knew it we were rolling around on the futon and magically had lost all clothes. He looked at me, and said with a sigh, “I just don’t want this to be a hit it and quit it thing for you.” In case you are wondering, this is the first guy in all of history I think so have said something like this however I told him I had intentions of hanging out again but we did not have to bang if we didn’t want to. Next thing I know we were going at it like rabbits.

 

A couple days later after still talking every day we made plans to go on a real date, due to the Christmas season and an unexpected vet bill for his dog we went to Chipotle which is never a bad choice. At the end of the romantic burrito bowls he asked me if I wanted to go to the Mall.

 

The Mall? Really? I was confused because clearly he was not going to buy anything because we just ate Chipotle since he was on a budget however I said OK. Next thing I know he is scoping out some $320 shades but clearly did not buy, then I found an awesome sale at Bath and Body Works and finally we were on our way to my house. After a few rolls in the sheets he left to head home.

 

The next day I spent the night with Team Ram-Rod playing poker and watching the UFC fights and Dale’s aunts. By 7:30 Ann and I had finished 2 bottles of wine, I lost $50 is poker and Rhonda got her ass kicked, yet the night was amazing. After I dropped Ann and her son off I went to visit Mr. Bitter at work since he worked security at night-I brought him an energy drink. After a drive thru the parking lot, to make sure there were no scoundrels in the parking lot I left to go home, all was good in our world…until the next day that is when I realized this would not work. A few red flags:

 

  1. He does not like to watch football, unless he is at the game. I am a Colorado native and live 4 blocks from the stadium and have only been to about 3 games in my life, so if you are not going to watch it on TV with me, we have issues.
  2. He works nights, I do not. Opposite schedules are not a good thing.
  3. He does not drink alcohol; he said maybe “a swing” twice a year when I sent him a photo of the bottle of Crown a vendor brought me at work.
  4. He does not smoke weed.
  5. He does not like sex as much as I do and when we have it he is very gentle. I do not like that.
  6. The biggest two however: I could never introduce him to my brothers, they would make fun of him for life (again, as we recall Creepy McDavis from 10+ years ago still gets made fun of) and I did not want him to hangout with Team Ram-Rod when we went to lunch the other day, I did not invite him even though it was near his home.

 

These are just a few things, things that may be able to be work on if we wanted to. I had not thrown in the towel yet, partly because there is comfort in knowing that I have someone to bang when I want to, and not having to worry about where I will get it from. However New Years day I woke up from a nap to about 14 textes-3 of which were from him. I responded and said, “Sorry, I was sleeping” then it went like this:

 

Mr. Bitter: “I am so confused”

Me: “Why” (thinking has he never taken a nap?!)

Mr. B: “About us, like what do you want here”

Me: **thinking we have literally been on one date**…”Well, I like you however we have only gone out once so time will tell however, I think that I am too wild for you, you are looking for a relationship and we just met and our schedules are way different.”

Mr. B: “This is clearly not a conversation for text, why don’t you just call me when you can”

 

Please note-he is the one who texted me, so it isn’t my fault I responded in a text! I told him we would talk later cause I needed to shower as I had dinner plans with my parents.

 

Later on after dinner I was getting drinks with some friends and he texted me telling me to call him, so I promised him I would on my way home.

 

So I called which side note, he is SO awkward on the phone, he moans a lot, like to the point you wondering if he is jerking off, then there are the awkward silences’, yet I granted his wish and called, and it went something like this:

 

Me: “Hey”

Mr. B: silence…..”Hey”

Me: “So I am just driving home…wanted to call, you know, because you told me to”

Mr. B sternly replies: “Yeah, cause you need to explain your text, especially because it came out of nowhere…”

Me: “Well I wouldn’t say out of nowhere, after all, you said you were confused and I asked why….”

Mr. B: “Well you say we have opposite schedules, but that won’t be forever, you say you are too wild, I have handled everything so far, and you say I want a relationship **snickers** which isn’t the case”

 

So I explain to him that I work, probably more then I should, and that now that the holidays are over, it is only going to get worse. I also say that I drink, I smoke weed and I like sex rougher then he does and that I cannot commit to a relationship now.
He accuses me of being all about sex (I think, is that a bad thing? Sex is awesome!) and then he tells me if there issues will keep us from a relationship that we should move on. So I say, “Yes, I do think they will hinder our relationship and why waste time?”

 

He takes this as the chance to remind me that my best friend Ann and her boyfriend are doing a long distance relationship as her boyfriend, David just moved to Jersey. I think, and of course say, “How is that a compassion, they have been together for like 7 months and you and I have gone on one date…it is far too early for this conversation.”

 

 

After he finally gets it that this won’t work he hangs up, de-friends me on Facebook, because we are in middle school I guess and starts posting sad angry memes on our group. So I sit here, as I laugh a little and think, I am not going to hope for happiness and love in 2017, I am not going to make false promises (as I reminded all of you, B and I will try harder but will still fuck up) and I will still be the same ass hole I have been, which is part of my charm.

 

So to all of you, thanks for reading and please, if you have stories to share we always want to hear them and share them on Feature Friday, just email us at datelikeachampion@gmail.com or find us on Facebook! We will never share your names, as we do not even share ours! Have a Happy Fucking New year and you do you!

 

With love, J!

RIP Buffalo Wild Wings

When I was a little girl I had very different picture of adulthood. I thought that I would be happily married with a ton of kids by now, at 29. That could be because at my age my mom had a whole litter. We joke about it now, and I can see how I have matured based on this conversation:


21-Single and drinking too much 

Mom: Please do not have kids right now, I cannot handle helping you.

J: Dear God mom, I would kill myself.


24-In a committed relationship drinking and smoking weed

Mom: Please do not get knocked up, you live too far

J: Please my baby would be a fat little hippie.


26-Same relationship,  Going back to church more, not smoking weed (as much!)

Mom: You know, I sure do love being a grandma! And you have been with Joseph for a while now!

J: Great, so glad 3 of my 4 siblings have some for you! I sure do love being an auntie!


29-Last week, unmarried, super single, smoking weed and working too much

Mom: You should have a baby! Who needs a man!

J: If I do, I am going to bring it here and drop it off with you and see you in a week! And the plus side, if it is a boy it can carry on our last name! (Something my brothers are failing at with there perfect little girls!)

Mom: Yay! I would love that.


I am not sure though, if there would be comfort in telling my parents right now that I was pregnant. My first call would be to my Doctor (probably a text cause we are cool like that!) saying something classy like, “The Fuck Doctor! My IUD is not magic!” The shocking part would be that I have had it for a year and put it to good practice and it has held strong against various armies of little fighters and swimmers out there.

The second part that would be the awkward game of, “Who the fuck does this baby belong to!” I typically keep it to white men, that’s my preference, so that would not narrow it down at all. So sometimes this has crossed my mind-maybe I could make up a story about how the baby daddy is a douche-wad (a term my parents would be flattered about!) and tell them that he ran away. Then I risk being a single mom but do not let me parents and family know what a whore I really am.

These decisions are endless. I have played the step mom roll to a guy and that was exhausting. It was like one day, I was single and ready for the world, the next day I was being waken up by a 7 year old who only wore his boxer briefs in the house, pushing me over in bed so he could have the warm spot and I would be in the cold spot since his dad had left hours ago for work. The even worse part, I would be in a T-shirt and underwear (I hope!) and he would be trying to cuddle. To top that off, it is exhausting to be introduced into motherhood in the blink of an eye. At one moment I was basically mounting his dad in a parking lot and the next thing it was packing school snacks and getting to the bus stop.

After that adventure (that has SO many more stories to share-but it is not yet done writing itself cause I am a psychopath and you will hear about it one day) I found myself doing too many drugs and drinking to much-and that’s when people told me that at least if I got knocked up I would have a wealthy baby daddy who was an attorney. Thank God that was not the case.

And here, with less then 6 months left in my 30’s I continue to fight the good fight and date all these people. I was recently told by a friend that at this age we have to be willing to settle, “sometimes guys are bald, have kids, still have a wife, whatever-it is juts our age” so clearly I feel really good about my future. However what led up to her giving me this speech was even better. Here we go…

POF. I do not know why I do it to myself, to be honest it is partly for this Blog, and partly cause we just learned, I am a psycho. That being said,  I was talking to a guy named Matt, a divorced father of two beautiful little girls and a managing partner of a Buffalo Wild Wings- which seemed legit enough, he also owned a house and seemed to have shit together so I was all about it.

One Sunday Funday, where I conveniently had the next day off I met two girlfriends for brunch and football. Ash, a friend from work who did not really care about football, just wanted girl time and Marie, a firecracker form the east coast, and all the attitude!

I was on a budget because I am an adult and so I found myself sticking to the $3 bloodies, despite the fact they were giving me heartburn. As the say went on, I was talking to Matt who I had already been talking too a lot. After many shared texts and even him showing me photos of his beautiful (yes, beautiful) penis, he invited my friends and I to his restaurant. We discussed going and my commitment issues were only because of the budget and then paying the Uber. After Ash picked up the tab I convinced them to pay the Uber on the way back and I had it on the way there. Uber is usually the best but this BWW was in the middle of nowhere from our location downtime so we were looking at at $45 Uber ride, which seemed like a great idea at the time.

After I smoked a quick bowl alone we jumped in the Uber, and in about 10 minutes the paranoia and confusion set in and i felt as if I was going to have a panic attack. Ash then called her boyfriend via Facetime, and this stranger, Ben, made me feel somewhat OK with my decisions. Besides, we all decided, if nothing else we would get free drinks!

We finally get there and sit at the bar. I am watching every man that walks by, trying to figure out who he is, as meeting someone off the internet can be terrifying and inaccurate of there true selves! After we spot him I notice the thinning hair and ask if this should be an issue-as I think back to his cock, this is when Ash gives me the speech on settling and I seem OK. I text him to let him know we are there and he responds but has not yet made it over.

Now in his defense, I was so high that I did not know if we were there for 2 minutes or 2 hours however my friends told me the wait had been too long. Pretty soon Marie goes to the bathroom and Ash and I sit there-as I drink my Tito’s like it’s my job! Soon enough, I look up and he is standing there, right in front of us. As we chat Marie comes back and gives him a scary East Coast stare and says, “Why are you here, it took you long enough!” So he walks away. Obviously. I would too.

After a little while I am not sure how I feel so I sit there thinking about things and then my girls start asking the bartenders about their boss, the boss the employees seem to know nothing about. A minute later though they are filled in by my friends about how he sent me dirty (awesome) pictures and had been talking to me and yada yada, I get up and walk away.

I find myself sitting in the entry drunk texting my ex (the dad of the 7 year old) and then I get up to go to the bathroom-as I do, my friends are being escorted out…but drunk me still had to pee so I march past everyone and go to the bathroom.

Once I come back my friends share with me that Matt came up to them and told them it was time to leave.

Moments after getting kicked out, I know, real resume builder, he starts texting me. Telling me who inappropriate we were (fact) and that I needed to delete his photos because I did not have permission to use them, for what he meant I am not sure, and that I cannot ever go back there again.

A few weeks go by and I get another message from him on POF and I do take the time to apologize cause if someone came to my work saying I was sending them pictures of Chuck Norris (my vagina, which I can share the story sometime!)  I would most likely be embarrassed, but I do not think the shock factor would be too high on that one.

So after I apologize he says, “Oh! No worries, it is in the past! Want to come over to my house for a drink tonight!”

Because I am still here to tell you this story it means I did not go, because I am guessing I would have been murdered! In retrospect, I think going there was a poor decision however I am happy that things did not progress. I am also certain he was cross eyed but I also had about 4 drinks in the 20 minutes we were there so it is hard to know if it was me or him!

We will chalk it up to a win though, sure I am banned from a mediocre chain restaurant in the middle of the burbs, and without a guy 11 years older then me who still send dick pics but I am also not dating this guy so I feel pretty good about how it all turned out!

 

With Love! J!

The Bounty Hunter

capture

As I thought about what to write for today’s blog I realized that last weeks kinda sucked. I do not think that it was my best work and have decided that I am not going to share more Joseph stories right now. Down the road there will be more appropriate times to hear of him getting in fist fights at Red Rocks and about his mom giving me so many weed brownies that I could not remember my own name, but that is all for another day.

The truth is, I think finding someone worth dating is the stupidest and most exhausting thing in the whole world. When I found Joseph, it was easy and it worked, but since we broke up two years ago, I moved back to Denver and now finding a needle in a hay stack seems like a much easier task then finding someone to sit thru a dinner, or even a happy hour, with.

Now, I know as I write this I sound jaded, and sure, I am, however I have learned to keep that to myself.  The last guy I told that to ghosted me after a romp between the sheets. However, as I write this, I am for once not jaded.  I have managed to find someone with the same fucked up humor as me and things have been going great, but that’s not what this story is about today!

Today I will share a tale with you — a tale that still makes me cringe talking about it (but that’s the point of this blog, to share the silly with you all!). Here goes: Recently with all of my online dating nonsense, I received a simple message on the nightmare that is POF and it said, “Happy hour?”

Well damn, it wasn’t the strongest opener but it beat all the lame ones, and if anyone knows me, they now I cannot turn down happy hour. Ever. I think this is how I will start my opening statement when I finally join AA. Since that has not happened yet, though, he and I picked a day for happy hour.  It wound up being after a long day of work and a stupid court case I had to go to, with my douche ex.  Clearly I needed a drink! So we make plans to meet at a mainstream chain restaurant conveniently located on the way to the tanning place I go to on my way home.

As I am sitting at the bar, drinking my Titos with two limes and soda like its my job, the middle aged couple next to me are fighting. Like legit fighting. The nosy neighbor in me is almost staring at them watching. Apparently the wife DID NOT like when her husband took her sausage off her plate.  I respect that because bitches love sausage. I know I do. Then she looks at him with the fury of Satan in her eyes and says, “I have no idea where your hands have been, keep them off my plate!” to which he very kindly responds, “You are fucking nuts!”

This is amazing.  So amazing I almost forget I am still sitting at the bar. Alone. Drinking. That will be the second part to my opening speech I will one day use at AA.

Finally my date arrives.  I wish this is where I could comment on his dapper style but he had gym pants on, a hoodie, tennis shoes and white tube shots. There was no lady boner happening on my end. As I entertain him and our waiter with the drama from next door (at this point Mr. and Mrs. Dirty Hands had left), Jay begins to share with me that he owns a Bail Bond company–which explains why the Hulk looks like his younger, small brother. He tells me that if he gets a work call, he will not leave our date for anything less than $8K. Apparently there is a price on being in my company, and sadly I would’ve thought it was higher than that. Lucky me, as he tries to smooth things over, he tells me that I could join him if he has to bail someone out of jail. “Ummm…no thanks I say!” He tells me, “No, it will be fun! You can be my Beth!”

Pause.

I am sorry, did this first date is sweatpants just turn into a spinoff of Dog the Bounty Hunter?? And there is not even a mullet in this version?!

He doesn’t get any calls, which in retrospect was probably for the best, as I was not about to go spend this date in jail–there are too many opportunities for that story to lead somewhere even stranger!

So we sit there, and there is laughter, but I think his double shot’s of Jame-o on the rocks with a side of Budweiser are what’s helping the situation.

He then share some fascinating things with me. 1) he has two little girls (one happens to be a straight up ginger. Enough said.) 2) he could have got full custody but does not want them all the time cause he likes to go out and drink and also ride his Harley. He also mentions how he is so jazzed I am now ‘his girl’. Bitch please, this is our first date. Then, as he smiles, I see he is missing a front tooth.

God help me.

Next he spends a considerable amount of time trying to get me to go to a bar across town with him where they normally have Latin Hip Hop Night. For those of you who do not know, I am white–like, everything about me is very white. I grew up in the Denver suburbs where everyone is white and if you get a tan you are the minority. I also listen to Classic Rock and Country. I am not even sure what hip hop is! So, I respectfully decline, which leads me into a trap–he says, “Ok, if you are not going to go, we will just stay here and drink more!”

Nope.

When the server comes back I say, “OK! Let’s get the tab and go!”  Now, I do not always condone trickery, however when someone is not getting the hint then I think it is allowed.

As he walks me to my car, he ignores the side hug I try to give and grabs my head to barrel his tongue down my throat. I pull away to break the news that I have to go home, but we will see each other soon. He pouts. This grown ass man, in his jumpsuit and all, pouting.

I finally escape and am driving when something almost causes me to puke in my new car. This happens about .3 seconds after I pull out of the restaurant parking lot, which is when the texts start — he is very mushy and makes it sound as if we will run away together. The comment he makes about creating babies with me did not help the situation.

The texts slow down as the night goes on.  It is amazing how that happens when you stop responding because you ‘fall asleep’.

The next morning I wake up to a text from him that says, “Good morning! How is my beautiful, sexy wonderful girl!?” then after 40 minutes of not responding, cause I fell back asleep (I know, lame of me) I get another one, “Hey baby, you still sleeping?! How did my girl sleep!”

Puke.

I am on the phone with my sister, telling her all of this and she is laughing, telling me how thankful she is for the 11+ years of being happily marriage and that she is less than envious of me. I tell her of Jay’s dream to become bounty hunters and for me to pop out many red headed (I am assuming, here) kids, and also that when someone does not give off the same vibes as you, you do not wake them up with stupid texts in which you claim them as your own.

Later in the day I get a text saying, “Hey there babe! You have been quiet, how are you!?” and after 3, yes that’s right THREE minutes, another one that says, “Hey! Are you there! Did I scare you off?!”

How do you respond to that? Glad you asked. It is something like this, “I am not sure that scared is the right word however this is just a lot from one date.” He said he thought we both wanted a relationship, to which I respond, “Yeah I want a relationship but I am not going to force it. If it happens is happens but I think we are on different pages.”

Cue the string of angry texts. And also advice, that is not how you talk a girl into giving this a try! We did not go out again, in fact I blocked his number and now I live day by day by the books, cause if I don’t I am worried I will get arrested doing something stupid (likely) and have to call him to bail me out.

However if you want to be a pal and be my first call instead of Jay, you just let me know!

With love, J!

Love at First Summersault? 

It is hard to believe that once you poop on someone’s car that you will have a future with their friend, however silence is golden and not sharing these things only helps a relationship! It wasn’t long after that episode that my grandpa got sick and as I was crying in a lift shack, Joseph pulled up on his snow mobile and came in, as I cried he only held me. It was a rocky start to our relationship.

A few days later my grandpa passed and I left to go to the funeral. When I returned, a day late, I was confronted by my ass of a boss who had written me up for missing work, because there was a blizzard and the highway was closed. Ahh, corporate America exists even in ski towns! I decided to take my pent up anger and sadness and then it into a 30 rack of PBR and bring it to the maintenance shop to share with Joseph and his coworkers. After I slammed too many beers in order to get over my annoyance of my boss Joseph and I went to eat Chinses food and then to his friends where we smoked a gigantic blunt at his friends house.

Shortly after the blunt I stood up and walked to the bathroom, I hardly made it in before I started to vomit all over the bathroom and to make matters worse, it was a carpeted bathroom. There was only so much I could try and clean up however it did not help that the world was spinning.
After this beautiful start it is hard to believe things lasted past that date however before I knew it we were living together. It had been a few months and things were going very well. All of the sudden my life was full of dinners with his family and planning our meals for the week.

The first 4th of July we had together was about 4 months after we started dating and we were at our house shooting off fireworks with our friends and Joseph’s family. After a few fireworks went off a very confrontational neighbor came down the street and started talking smack about how we were going to burn down the forest. Now this was some guy who maybe went to the mountains about once a year and thought he knew everything about everything, little did we know, he knew lots about nothing, except how to call the police.
After we shoot the last of the bottle rockets off our friends and Joseph’s family leave, we go inside and get a warning call from his dad saying there was a police car parked a couple houses down which led to Joseph squatting on the deckpeering thru the railing for the police. Next thing I know he did a summersault and ran off into the woods.
The cops are now outside my house, shining spotlights into the house as I hide in the kitchen with my roommate Martin, who is sporting his boxers and we are trying out what’s going on and where Joseph was. To top it off I then get a call from Joseph’s dad amking sure everything is good I let him know that Joseph dashed into the forest and I hadn’t seen him since-my silver lining to this was that his dad had a heads up now for when I would have to call to have him bail his son out of jail!

Moments later, as I am still talking to his dad and Joeseph walks in the door whistling and says, “Hey-ya baby cakes!”
He had double backed through the woods and ran into the cranky neighbor again who did not recognize him, after some banter back and forth the neighbor started putting two and two together as the cops walked up. Joseph made up a story about how he just moved in with his parents and he wasn’t sure who would be so inconsiderate as to light fireworks in the dry Colorado mountains and went on his way back to our house.
Looking back, between the pooping, and the puking and the disappearing acts into the woods it was the the strangest start to a relationship however it was also the most successful relationship I had! Now, I should update my dating profile to something like, “Looking for firework shooting, summersault doing individual who is ok with me not being able to control my bodily functions.”

Shocking it did not last forever. Shocking that I am still single.

The Cock-Block Retaliation

I did not go to college like all of my friends, I did not have nights in the dorms, or fraternity parties and keg stands. Not on any college campuses anyway! Despite missing out on all of those moments I had plenty other ones that they did not, I have worked at lodges, dude ranches and ski resorts. There are many stories that I will share with you, even if I were to get happily married today (which I am single, so unlikely!) there would be stories to last for years!

Today I will share the beginning of Joseph, a boy I met my first week working at a ski resort in the Rocky Mountains and who I ended up dating for almost 5 years. Due to the length of our relationship this will result in a few stories, full of his crazy family, broken bones at Blues concerts and random sex locations! All things fun, sex, drugs and rock-n-roll!

I had already spent a winter deep in the Rockies as a legit ski bum and as the snow flew a year later I found myself in another mountain town, closer to the City and my family, but far enough to still have my own life.

During the first week, at orientation we went to a lift on the mountain to learn how to run the lift on the auxiliary motor, something I never thought I would need to know how to do! That is when I met Joseph. He was tall, and big, like a real man, and I had an instant crush on him.

A few months went by, and there were other men, which we will hear about another day, and I only saw Joseph at work. I worked on a lift that luckily broke down a lot and even though the lift operators could reset it themselves, we were not allowed to. Joseph would come to the lift when it would break down and listen to me jamming to the Dead and sit there and chat we me a little here and there before taking off on his snow mobile, until the next break down would occur.

On a drunken day off in the locker room there was a flyer with a blonde haired guy, naturally with a mullet. The flyer was for a party on a street called “Shooting Star Way” which seemed to be made up, though it did not stop my friend and I from calling the number and getting more information on the party. We found out it was a party, conveniently being hosted by Joseph and his friends (his friend was the one with the mullet, I know, disappointing!).

The day of the party I made a decision, a sober, conscious decision. I wanted to hook up with Joseph. I did not think about the future and what it might bring, I thought about that night and hooking up with someone who I thought was a babe! I had no idea that we would be together for the next 5 years.

That night, I drank whiskey as if it was my job, out of a mason jar on ice, with nothing mixed in. I drank a few of those, and when someone knocked the last of it out of my glass, I almost cried. Because that is what adults do.

Before I knew it, I told Joseph I needed to sleep on his couch. Please. He knew it was a lie too. After a few more drinks, flirting, and laughter the couch I asked to stay on ended up being his bed, and it ended up being all night.

The next few days were full of the awkward, “Does he like me?” “Should I call” because texting and Facebook stalking were not options, despite us being millennials, he did not was a cell or was linked into any social media.

About a week later, he made me dinner, this is where I knew the romance existed, he made me a grilled cheese hamburger. For those of you unaware of this masterpiece, you make two grilled cheese’s (white bread and Kraft, of course) and then make a juicy hamburger and use the two grilled cheeses as buns. This is also why Americans are fat. I think I fell in love at that moment.

The next day things started to get weird, he showed up to a BBQ at the bottom the lift I was working at and handed me my pajama pants that I left at his house. I figured he did not want to hang out again however he also discussed our plans for later that evening, which was a party in a nearby town. Despite our plans, later in the day Joseph told me that he was no longer able to give me a ride to the party as he had a friend he had not seen in a while and she, yes, she, needed a ride. I had just been cock blocked by a she-man. I say she-man because she looked like a man but people did say she was a girl. Now I know me saying this sounds like I am being a bit of brat and you may think this girl was actually pretty and I am petty. False. She had the bone structure of a man, and I think even an Adam’s Apple. She also had this red-ish curly hair that was the definition of frizzy.

Full of anger, and pajamas in my backpack my friends and I went to the party. As I mentioned, the day had got weird and it was only getting stranger. First my friend Ashley and poured Evan Williams (crappy whiskey) into a Crown bottle and then watched everyone say things like, “This is delicious!” or “This is going down so smooth!” Then, too many games of flip cup and beer pong, Ashley and I found ourselves walking thru town, where we then walked past the frizzy she-mans jeep. The only logical thing to do, as a lady and as an adult was to climb up on top of that jeep and popped a squat on the hood. And at the risk of being judged too much I will not explain if it was a 1-2 combo or what, use your imagination if you must.

I wish that this was not a part of the night that I remembered however, somehow, almost a decade later, I am still slightly haunted by how disgusting people are (me) and also impressed that doing that even entered our minds.

The good news for all of you out there: Do. Not. Cock-block me. EVER.

With Love, J!

The Jack Attack Fan Club

As most things in my life I knew this was a bad idea, however instead of making the right decision and moving on, I made the conscious decision to continue.

Let’s rewind a bit. Recently I decided to stop dating, which shocked a lot of people but I did not give up on having sex and shenanigans–I am not crazy!

It had been a couple weeks since I had sex which was beginning to cause me to lose my mind. One week night, I found myself starting a million different conversations online, or with people from my roster.

The Roster: Similar to that of a sporting roster–in which there is a list of names of people on the sports team. In this case it is the list of names of people who I call on when I need to get laid.

On this particular night there was no one I could call on from the bench to assist with my needs, so I turned back to the conversations on various dating sites.  Because I am classy, I looked at this as a way to help out everyone in my world — if I was not going to get laid soon then people would think Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada was a saint compared to how I’d be.

I had a few conversations going, one from Jackson and one from a guy named Matthew. Moments after Matthew texted me his number, as texting is easier than these stupid apps, Action Jackson sent me a message explaining how he was looking for a hook up. Due to my dry spell, it was music to my ears.

He then proceeded to tell me that he was out of town and unable to help me with my needs at that moment, but asked me if I would be interested in a threesome at some point.

Surprisingly this is not something I have ever done, however it is something I have thought about, and doing it with people I have no romantic connection too seems better. Then I asked him if he had someone else in mind and he told me he had a buddy. Clearly my next question, because I am tactful was, “Would you penetrate each other?” and I was relieved when he responded and said no. Next he tells me, “You should find my buddy, he is on here,” and then gave me his screen name.

His buddy was Matthew, who had just sent me his name and number. Are. You. Kidding. Me. I thought.

So my opening text to his friend is, “Want to have a threesome with your friend Jack and I?” because this seemed too odd that they were both on here. However, he was confused by this line.

After some conversation it made more sense to him and he said he would be open to it. Eventually we decide we should hangout, because that is the likely decision to make, while sober, at 1 in the morning.

Because this seemed like a crazy decision and it was too late to un-send the messages, I decided I could not be sober so I smoked a huge bowl, which always makes things better.

As he texted me the whole way to my place, my heart beat faster, which the weed did not help with!  

After he arrived, we chatted, which seemed to be boring AF to me but necessary for a few minutes. It felt like a business arrangement, but that was only until we went to the bedroom. Next thing I know, after getting tangled up in the sheets, as we lay there breathing heavily, all he can talk about is Jack Attack. Now there is a part of me who understood where this is coming from as it was our common bond, however conversation was not what I wanted.

Soon he left which I appreciated as I told him earlier he could only come over if he left after as I was not in the mood to cuddle.

The next time he texted me I told him I was on my period and I have yet to hear anything since. It’s hard to tell if the Fan Club has died or not, but we all know if there is ever more, you will be the first to hear about it!

With Love, J!

 

 

 

 

 

Blow and Go See Ya’ Later! 

It was the worst date I had ever been on. I should have known that even before we went out however I went anyways.

We met on POF, he was tall, Catholic and looked like a big guy who could keep me safe and protect me–all the things I liked.

We made plans for a Saturday afternoon, because I had plans to babysit my nieces afterwards. 

Red Flag #1:

He asked me to pick him up because he has a blow-and-go in his car and was afraid he would not be able to drive home. 

There were so many issues I had with this, for one, I had never met him, so why would I drive to his house and pick him up?  And two, why is he planning to drink either a) that much or b) at all, on a lunch date?

Regardless of this, we decide to go to lunch. I get there first and I am looking thru the menu, taking in the sun on an outside deck, awaiting the arrival of Mike. Then, I hit that moment while I am waiting, the same moment I hit every time I’m about to meet a first date, when I say…”I can leave now and pretend that I was never here.” That’s right, I am a terrible person, but that’s part of my charm I think. 

As I see him walking up, I am happy– relieved even–that he looks normal, and handsome. Then as I stand up to give him the awkward obligatory hug…

Red Flag #2:

Transistion Lenses in his sunglasses…or glasses..but maybe sunglasses? I am full of confusion at the moment.  

I let it slide, because even though I am not always a fan of changing people, there are some changes that are necessary. I can deal with breaking a guy of his transition lenses habit.  Next thing I know this guy is slamming his vodka tonics and I am thankful that he took a Lyft to get there. But I’m also sad for the Lyft driver who will have to smell the vodka pouring from his pores as he gazes out the window, thru not rose colored glasses, but tan ones? (I do not even know what color to call it!)

Next we look at the menu. We get a few apps, to which I can’t even remember looking back, I was too distracted by the sweat dripping down his face because he decided to wear an under shirt with a long sleeve button up over. It was at least 80 on this patio, however he gave it the good ol’ college try on this one, which is why I can somewhat OK it. 

Things are going semi-ok as the food arrives. Cue:

Red Flag #3:

He chews while he talks. There is now shrimp and French fries falling out his mouth and spraying the table. 

I am officially disgusted by this. I then hate myself for letting him know what time I needed to be gone by to babysit, however I make up an excuse, that “Oh darn! My brother needs me to come over earlier then planned!” As I apologize, he continues to try and get me to take a shot before I leave, then offers to let me drive him home. I think, “Ahh poor guy, he does not understand that there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me to do that!” 

I respectfully decline his romantic gesture, and tell him I do not have time. So he pays (another solid point) and then walks me down to my car and tries to kiss me. 

Gross.

As we hug goodbye he confesses..

Red Flag #4:

“Well, I think I will go back upstairs, there was someone who caught my eye at the bar, but, can we go out again sometime?”

I leave the bar as fast as I can. He even texted me later to tell me he had a good time and then ask when we can go out again.

Red Flag #5:

He is a moron who cannot pick up on signals

A couple months later, long after I had moved on, I took my then boyfriend’s son to go to the arcade and bowling alley on a day off.

Red Flad #6:

Mike is the manager. Of the arcade/bowling alley. And….he has no idea who I am as we pay for our activities, he is oblivious to it.

So, all in all I learned from this and it was a good experience. To recap, in a nutshell, I know that if someone has transisition lenses and asks me to drive so they can get drunk at lunch on our first date, I can say no before we even go out. However, somethings you must learn the hard way! But not the kinda hard I like! 

With Love, J! 

Rule #4, Be Smarter than J

Can we go back to the story B wrote about Jerry: The Maiden Voyage. In that we heard about Truthful Ted and his 3 rules of dating, rules that are good for the online world and these are good rules that B and I live by, however, I apparently think that rules need to be broken.

So here I am, about a week into talking to a guy who we will call Joel. We texted like crazy, flirted and talked on the phone. On Friday night he asked me if I wanted to come over and hangout after his son went to bed and I thought that sounded OK because he wasn’t going to murder me with his son asleep…unless he was lying about his son…in which case I was fucked. When he texted me to tell me that his son was not coming over until the morning I asked if he wanted to go out instead, but he had already cracked a beer and did not want to drive his new car–that made sense. However, according to Truthful Ted, a private date is still not allowed. Ted says this is because you are setting precedence, saying that being in private means you are looking for a booty call and not a public relationship, which is, despite all my stories, not true for me.  I want a relationship, however clearly I am also open to being murdered.

So I go to his house, obviously. When I get there he seems very sweet, not like a psychopath or murderer, and he’s cute. Shortly after I arrive, we are sipping on the ever disgusting Bud Light Lime and taking shots of Fireball, because apparently I really do have a death wish. This was all acceptable because he told me I could stay the night, and because we agreed there would be no sex, since we both wanted relationships.

It did not take long before he kissed me, or I kissed him–who knows. It just made sense. There was passion, there was a connection and there was no pressure. Starting the night that way set the tone for a wonderful evening. We laughed, we made plans for the future, and he even told me that he did not want to talk to anyone else and asked if I would shut down my dating app. All of this felt right. After a lot of conversation and laughter, we ran out of Fireball. This should have been a gift from God, however we went down the street to get some more. When we got back, as we were giggling and walking towards his condo, he stopped in his tracks and asked me to come back over to him. I followed him as he went around the corner and hid, although I was apprehensive. He asked me to trust him, and I wondered, “Is this how murders happen?”

As we hid I asked him what was going on and he explained to me that his ex-girlfriend’s car was in front of his condo and he was unsure why, as we had both left our phones in the condo (because step 3 in “how to get murdered on a first date” is to leave your phone inside and go out into the dark with the man you’ve just met. I’m winning).

After a little while her Prius drove by and we went back upstairs. There was not a lot to do at this point because I was too drunk to drive anywhere, so my only option was to stay. After we ate pizza, made out and took shots, we cuddled on the couch. We went to bed, where we decided that we could sleep in the same bed without sleeping together. I am proud to say that I followed Ted’s rule to kiss on a first date if your interested, but despite sleeping next to this attractive man, it did not go farther! 

As Joel is laying on me, with his leg crossed over me, dead asleep, I get up and run to the bathroom to puke, and then go back and fall asleep.

The morning is full of laughter and cuddling, and him serving me breakfast in bed (well, breakfast is pain killers and water!).  As he walks me to the car he kisses me and tells me to text him.

I drive home with an insane headache and he is texting me, very flirty. The last text we exchange is me asking how the pumpkin patch is going, as he went with his son, and he responds with, “Packed.” That was the last time I hear from him, and perhaps it is because I broke Ted’s third rule and did not make plans for a 2nd date before leaving the first?  Or maybe it is because I did not have an excited response about the overcrowded pumpkin patch?

Despite the talk of the future, be it of going to sporting events or on dates, I guess it is not what he wanted. I was left confused after this because he clearly did not say any of these lines to get in my pants, so what could it be?

This brings me to the continued annoyance of what we call Ghosting and it is so annoying that this is a socially (un) acceptable act that people partake in. Leaving others to wonder What did I do? What did I say?, frantically playing these interactions over and over.

I think I should change my dating profile to the following, “Attention: Please do not send me messages if you have ever ghosted someone and please do not message me if you are interested in playing any games. Let’s just be adults here!” Then list everything I want. Dating sucks!  I mean I cannot even get murdered on a first date (where I follow every rule for how to get whacked by an internet weirdo), how am I supposed to find a boyfriend?

With Love, J!

PS-I think that Ted needs one more rule, Rule #4, which would be “be smarter than J.”  Seriously though, do not go to someone’s house on a first date, especially if you met them on the internet. I did it, but it’s not smart.

Happily Ever After

There is grass stuck to my face when I wake up in the middle of the night to the room spinning. As I get up, in the guest room at my parents, I try and find my way to the bathroom, as I step in my dress, that is soaking wet with grass and sticks stuck to it. For an instant I think, “What the fuck happened?!” and then I remember.

It started with me going to meet my mom and dad so we could be carpool buddies and mom could be the DD. The first thing I do when I get to my parents is go outside and smoke a bowl. I use to be sneaky about it however at 29, in Colorado, I without shame tell my mom I am going outside to hit my pipe. She rolls her eyes and I think, “at least I am going outside! Adulting at its finest!” 

The wedding is short and sweet which is great, leaves more time to run to the car and smoke some weed then meet my dad in line for the bar where he could get me a drink then we head out to the patio. As we sit with my parent’s friends, their friend Catherine and I go drink for drink and decide we should be each other’s dates since I did not have one and hers, her brother, was not yet there.

The night is full of laughter, a photo booth, and even standing at the top of the stairs with another one of my parent’s friends, Deborah, trying to fling cards down into the card box. Later on, my mom, Deborah, Catherine and I sneak outside for a break. That’s when we met Adam. A cute bartender who was apparently working the wedding there. We talked him into smoking some weed with us (well Deborah and myself) and taking fireball shots with Catherine and I. After that he promised us free drinks so Catherine and I went to the bar, where I gave Adam my phone number and then when we returned to the rest of out group with our drinks, we were happily greeted by one more drink each awaiting us at the table as well.

Later on we were at the photo booth when I invited Adam to join us how romantic, our first photo together. The tales we can tell our kids, right? I must have been hammered.

To follow this, before the grass got pressed in my hair, I find myself dancing, dancing and, well, dancing. This was when Catherine and I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air, and ran into Adam again. As he was talking to Catherine and I, I look at him and mouth (As Catherine is talking) “Let’s go fuck.”

Before I know it we are walking along the golf course, and find ourselves on the driving range, making out. Before I know it, we are rolling around in the grass, that must have been recently watered, as I am soaking wet, in more ways than one. These shenanigans last for at least an hour and then I finally hear my phone ringing and say, “I know this is awkward, but my mom is calling me, so we need to finish!”

 After we are done, as he is getting dressed I text my mom and tell her I was laying in the grass outside, which will explain the soaking wet dress, as well as the matted down sex hair full or twigs and grass. I don’t even kiss this guy goodbye before I am running around to the front of the building and run into my mom. She laughs at me and asked where I was, that she was looking for me. I say I lost trach of time and was laying in the grass, you know, pass it off on the drinking and weed.

On the way home I get my mom to stop at McDonalds. Despite the fact that I do not eat fast food, or drink soda, there is nothing like French fries, sausage egg McMuffin and a coke. By the time we make it back to their house the food is gone, and I am ready for bed. As I change into my jammies I have grass stuck all over my body and wipe it all over the floor of the guest bedroom.

When I woke up sore the next day, I thought about why I do not date anyone under 30, which seems like something I should reconsider as the stamina from a man in there mid 20’s is far more superior then someone even a decade older than them. What a life choice I am left with, again, this is Adulting at its finest.

With Love, J!

My First Experience with a Ghost

I have never really believed in ghosts or anything like that, however I am able to admit that I am terrified of the dark and the idea of ghosts while I am in the dark makes me want to pee my pants, which is a whole other story as I wear dresses every day and never wear underwear. The thought of wetting myself with nothing to catch it is in itself, terrifying.

That bring said, I do remember my first experience with a ghost–though at the time I did not know there was a name for this type of ghost (or action). Yes, unfortunately the norm these days is an action known as, ghosting. I apologize to anyone who has ever experienced this because it sucks, though I would be lying if I said I had never done it myself.

Let us first visit my initial encounter with this. I had just moved back to the big city after years in the mountains–most of which was spent in an almost 5-year relationship–followed by an entertaining “downward spiral” that we will hear about another day. When I moved back to the city, it was to take a new job, but the combination of the short notice and lack of a substantial savings account meant I was going to stay with my parents for a while. Side note: it was awesome that my parents let me stay there and helped me through this transition. It was not awesome to live with my parents after almost a decade of living on my own.

 Even though I was 28 and under their roof again, I was still a woman who had needs and wanted to find a nice man to date. Since it seems nice men do not exist, I found the next best thing: Jerome. It was early July, on a Friday, and I was on my way to a party with my parents, which may sound lame to some people however my parents and their friends are an f’ing blast and I was so excited to have a night of drinking, complete with a DD (thanks mom!) and fireworks. On the way there, right as we stopped at the liquor store–because my dad said we needed our own bottle of Crown since, “his friends don’t share well”–I saw Jerome on POF.

Jerome had a great smile, was attractive, a single dad (I had not yet ever dated someone with kids), and was the same religion as myself–pause for reaction from all our readers, but yes, I do go to church, and thus far it has never burnt down upon my entering into it.

Anyway, I sent him a generic “Hey, how are you?” I know, a real hook, line and sinker! He instantly replied and we ended up exchanging numbers and then nonstop texting all night. I learned more about him: he grew up in the same suburb as I did, went to a rival high school, and even went to the same church as I did. We quickly made plans for Monday night, but Sunday night after church (where we both were but did not see each other), and after my dinner with my family, we decided we couldn’t wait and decided to meet up and grab a drink. I remember telling my mom I was going to get coffee with a friend, which makes perfect sense, since who doesn’t drink coffee on a Sunday night at 8:30?

I met Jerome at a nearby bar and when I walked in and saw him I was very happy with my life choice. We talked and flirted for a couple hours and then when it was time to go he walked me to my car and after a very nice make out session we went our separate ways, with plans to still hangout the next night, as originally planned.

Over the next few months we were together all the time. We would go to church, go on dates, he would make me dinner, watch movies, sleepovers and all the typical couple stuff. I even met his daughter and won her over with ice cream and playing dolls. Things seemed to be going very well, until one day there was nothing. Radio silence. No response to phone calls or texts. It was like he disappeared.

There was one drunken night where I was in the backyard with my friends, and Warren told me I should drunk dial Jerome. I did, but Jerome did not answer, and Drunk J somehow let it go and didn’t even leave an angry message! That was a real growing moment for me! Still, I had never experienced anything like this and it was strange to have someone just disappear, especially after a few months.

Life went on and about 6 months later, after I had moved out of my parents’ home, I got a call from my brother who told me he saw Jerome show up to church again. I did not give it much thought but a couple weeks later, I was at church when I literally ran into him in the lobby. It was such an odd, surreal moment. Being in the lobby at church, it did not seem appropriate to tell him to “Fuck Off,” so as he hugged me, I hugged back, and went on my way…smiling at the fact that I looked good, and hoping it made him crazy!

After church, I saw him waiting around, which is unlike him. As I got in my car to go to my parents’ for dinner, I found myself texting him. It went something like this:

Me: “Hey…it was good to see you…”

Him: “Hey you! It was really good to see you! I waited for you after church, but I did not see you!”

Me: “Yep. I left.”

Him: “I am happy you texted me, I did not have your number anymore.”

Me: “Yep.”

Him: “I really owe you an apology!”

Me: “Really, over text? Classy.”

We met for drinks later that night. I was curious as to what he had to say, and free beer always sounds good. Maybe it was the Bud Light I was nursing or the fact that I am not a mean person and forgive easily, but that’s what I did. I forgave him. He told me stories of why he ghosted, reasons that did not seem outrageous or like reasons to hate him. I made him promise to never do it again, and then laughed when he asked if I had any friends I could hook him up with, since I was now dating Noah.

A few weeks later is when Noah and were on the rocks. I had seen him out on a date with someone else and although we had not broken up yet, I left his house knowing it was only a matter of days before we did. So, I texted Jerome. We made plans to go to the driving range after church, which then lead to dinner, which then lead to him dropping me off at my car in the church parking lot…and making out like we were in high school.

We started hanging out again, but I was never able to fully trust him. He promised that he was no longer going to moonlight as a magician and disappear, which was nice to hear–but not good enough to make me fully trust him. Besides, my family would not be supporters of this re-connection. On the bright side though, I did now have someone I trusted enough to watch movies with and bang.

Because we were not getting serious, I also didn’t feel bad when, on his birthday the next month, I texted to say hi, completely forgetting it was his birthday. He was at home and his daughter had just gone to bed. I said, “Well, everyone needs birthday sex, I am on my way over!”

I show up, we smoke some weed, chat, then go upstairs, and it goes like this: We make out. Clothes off. He goes down on me. I do not go down on him. He does all the work. We finish. He asks me to stay the night. I decline. Mic drop. J out.

I am such a man sometimes. A man and someone no longer afraid of ghosts–though I do have some faith that they exist, now!

With love, J!