I Can’t Look Away From Trainwrecks

If this were well-written instead of being a horrific mess of the English language, maaaaybe it would be funny. Maybe. Also maybe if he had a real name (I’m praying to Jesus that it isn’t really Rumple)? Also, as tempting as it may be — I know murder is a hilarious subject — don’t mention dating and death in a Tinder profile.  Just don’t.

Man Overboard

Well, mission accomplished, this was certainly different than your typical, “Hey.”

  1. You say you went through my profile but then only talk about my face, which is at the very top.
  2. Why would my face be on a shirt?
  3. The idea of you wearing a shirt with my face on it is creepy.
  4. Am I the only one who would be more embarrassed to say they met someone on a Disney cruise than via a dating site?  I’m going to guess that 1 out of every 2 single dating-age-individuals have made an online dating profile.  What self-respecting dating-age-individual goes on a DISNEY CRUISE?!

Wrong Answer

All I’m going to say about the very first message is why — why why WHY — do men think that kicking things off with some iteration of “marry me!” or “we’d make pretty babies together” is desirable?  Do they think that all women are so desperate to be married with children that they think the glee of perceived biological desire will outweigh the irritation at their very real inability to come up with a decent introduction?  Here are some ideas if you have NO IDEA what else you could possibly say:

  1. Hi, how are you doing?
  2. I enjoyed reading your profile!  How did you get into [insert a sport/hobby/activity they mentioned or were pictured doing]?
  3. Hey, I’d love to learn more about you — want to grab coffee or a drink sometime?

None of those are very creative or personal, but truthfully, I’d still rather get any of those.

If I can’t trust your taste in tacos, you sure as hell ain’t getting your mouth on mine. <mic drop>